


Poor Planning - Fic

by sweetbasil



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Deliberate Badfic, Genderqueer Cephalopods, Hectocotyli, Hectocotylus, Hectocotylus Envy, Hell I didn't actually read the last two Harry Potter books tbh, I have never actually read Judith Butler, Meaning of Being a Hectocotyli, Meaning of Being a Hectocotylus, Nonnies Made Me Do It, Other, Tentacle Gender, Tentacle Sex, Tentacles, almost forgot the most important tag!, also a random thing i learned - watching octopus sex is strangely soothing, apparently male giant squid don't even have hectocotyli anyway, which is different from, which just makes this funnier, you should see Madam Pince's Foucault collection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-19
Updated: 2014-09-19
Packaged: 2018-02-18 00:56:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2329331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetbasil/pseuds/sweetbasil
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hermione and the Squid have really hot sex! But first, they have a very important conversation!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Poor Planning - Fic

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Poor Planning](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2316197) by [AdaptationDecay](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AdaptationDecay/pseuds/AdaptationDecay). 



> Please don't ask me lots of questions. It's not my job to educate you!!!!! I went out of my way and got you links to Wikipedia, what more do you want?
> 
> [On a legit note, I'd like to thank both the nonnie who mentioned the hectocotylus to me and the nonnie who told me to just stick some Wiki links in the story. This fic wouldn't be the work of art it is without you!]

Hermione Granger was sitting by the lake, reading a book. Because Hermione is smart, very smart. Hermione is the brightest witch of her age. The book she was reading was Gender Trouble by Judith Butler. It is a book about how gender is a social construct and only exists because people perform it. Also gender is not a binary. Here is the Wikipedia page. - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_Trouble It’s very informative. And here is Judith Butler’s article. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Judith_Butler You should educate yourself.

Anyway, Hermione is reading this book, because she is very smart. And also because she is very concerned about social justice. She rescued the house elves from slavery, like Harriet Tubman. Suddenly, the Giant Squid that lived in the lake came out of nowhere and used zher tentacles to pick Hermione up. As the Squid pulled her back over the lake, Hermione yelled, “Taking hostages is a violation of the Geneva Convention!” As she simultaneously banged her hands on xyr tentacles.

Suddenly, the squid sighed. Hermione looked down at thon and asked, “What’s wrong?”

“I don’t have a hectocotylus,” xie proclaimed despairingly.” And my life feels empty and meaningless.”

_A hectocotylus (plural: hectocotyli) is one of the arms of male cephalopods that is specialized to store and transfer spermatophores to the female. Structurally, hectocotyli are muscular hydrostats. Depending on the species, the male may use it merely as a conduit to the female, or he may wrench it off and present it to the female._

“So you want to be a male squid? Are you trans?” Hermione questioned.

Hu replied, “Not really, I just feel like I am missing something and I think that something is cephalopod genitalia.”

Just then Hermione got a brilliant idea. “Have you heard of a woman named Judith Butler and the gender non-binary?” she asked.

“No,” co replied.

And then Hermione explained all about gender identity and fluid gender expression and preferred gender pronouns and promised the Squid that she would start an organization for genderqueer cephalopods. And the Squid felt much better about squidself.

_Genderqueer (GQ; alternatively non-binary) is a catch-all category for gender identities other than man and woman, thus outside of the gender binary and cisnormativity.[1] Genderqueer people may identify as one or more of the following: having an overlap of, or indefinite lines between, gender identity and sexual and romantic orientation.[2] two or more genders (bigender, trigender, pangender); without a gender (nongendered, genderless, agender; neutrois); moving between genders or with a fluctuating gender identity (genderfluid);[3] third gender or other-gendered; includes those who do not place a name to their gender;[4]_

Then Hermione looked down at the squid’s tentacles and asked, “Soooo, just because you don’t have hectocotylus, that doesn’t mean that the rest of these buggers don’t work, right?”

And that’s the story of how the Brightest Witch of Her Age started a not-so-queerplatonic relationship with a genderqueer giant squid.

**Author's Note:**

> Subscribe to me if you want to read my next story where Hermione and Buckbeak have a discussion about demisexuality and zucchinis. OMG, this is SO IMPORTANT you guise!!!!
> 
> My Sources:
> 
> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hectocotylus  
> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genderqueer
> 
> [On a serious note, this fic is not a statement on identity, but on badly done issuefic. Sometimes a reader just wants to get off to some tentacle porn, not read a horribly written/sourced article on gender.]


End file.
